i just got back in. im not sure what to say about tonight. saw some old friends...hung out with some new ones. the night was good...we drank, we danced, we smoked, and we made enough noise that the cops came and had to break it up. success?

i helped her home because she was too drunk to drive. we listened to my music.

i dont think it matters how true your emotions are for someone else. if they dont feel the same for you, theres nothing you can do about that. you cant make someone love you the same as you love them... I have a feeling that she'll never know how i truely feel for her...how ive truely fallen for her. i wish i hadnt...shes such a great friend, such a great person. she's inspirational and i think about her almost every second. shes on my mind...the way i think, the way i move, the things i do and the things i now enjoy. if i could stop her from taking over, i would in a heartbeat. i hate feeling like this when i know it's in vein.

to be quite frank, i just want to hold her... i want to hold her tight and kiss her and tell her how much i think of her; i think so much of her. but i dont...i cant. she wouldnt understand. she really wouldnt understand, and i hardly can make sense of it in my own head. i want nothing more than to just sit down with her and let her know how i feel. shes so in touch and understanding, but is there any way that i can let her know without her shutting down on me? is there any way i can let her know without her tuning me out and walking away forever, simply bothered that i cant be mature enough to carry on a friendship? i have other girl friends... im fine with all of them. i dont love all of them...and im only head over heels for this one.

theres so many other guys that want her... i know there are... ive seen so many of them. theyre all pigs tho...they dont know her. i know her and i love her for who she is. i want nothing more than to see her smile every day and to call her and be able to tell her that i love her and how amazing i think she is. i think she's amazing. she's intelligent, beautiful, classy but full of attitude. she fights her own battles. shes such a strong person, but you can still see how soft her emotions are on the inside...almost like she's a little girl. i wish you could see that...how strong and beautiful she is on the outside, but entirely full of love and life on the inside. ive never met anyone like her...seriously.

i just want to tell her all of this. i want to so badly...but ill probably never get the chance. i love her. i do

Current Mood: blank

of course he does...thats what happens in real life. the hero will fall second best.

how is it that every girl im interested only wants me as a friend?

...im burnin like a bridge for your body.

it's so weird the way people meet each other. ive been shooting for 8 months. i met her 8 months after she moved here. we bonded closer than most after a week of our meeting. im falling for her. we understand and know each other...we have fun together. i dont think she's going to fall for me.

i just dont think im allowed to have the pretty, novel, cultured, creative, talented, intruiging, etc. girls. maybe id be too content if i dated a girl that i was completely attracted to in every aspect of the word? maybe id 'have it all' and i just wouldnt care anymore because id found My love...a love that id keep and that no one could understand or have? maybe that would make my life a bore, and some higher being assumes you need frustration and hardship to properly season one's existence?

i think that sucks

i really really really wanna be with this girl

Current Mood: hopeful

are you happy?
im also nervous, though.
im riding on a lot of good opportunities right now, but im not going to disclose any of them in case they dont come true...i hate to let people down, so what people dont know wont hurt them.

i met a girl the other night in the strangest way. i never ever go out of my way to get a girl's attention, but i did that night. we talk very often now and had a great night out last night. i did not come home till after 330am. im already starting to have feelings for her after getting to know her more. i really hope she can feel the same way for me, but i have low expectations. she's pretty, smart, and normal. im not quite sure if im allowed to even talk to girls like her...so we'll see how far that goes.

the bottom line...whats most important...is how strange it is that people grace other's by chance. what were the odds that this girl and i were to meet, literally in the street, and that i were to make a decent enough impression on her? ive never started to know someone so fast before. we met wednesday...

sometimes i think i deserve to just die alone. im such a terrible person to people more times than not.

Current Mood: distressed

today i came out of a one year's slump. im happy again. im hopeful again. i know that im full of potential to grow up and do all the things ive ever wanted. life is good and i love who i am and everything i represent =)

Current Mood: hopeful

let us now take time aside to reflect on a rather vain friend of mine, whos greatest weekness is his own self esteem. to make up for what he lacks, he preys upon others, tearing down things of theirs that matter most. he is selfish and socially inept, unless of course the topic-at-hand concerns himself and his many achievements. this boy is also a womanizer, and apparently doesnt wish to love a girl beyond her body. he manages to annoy me to no end.

do you know ______________(insert name here/tyler durdan)?

-but for real, aside from all the other rudeness that emits from this kids body, the way he treats girls bothers me the most. ive been single for a good while now and would love a normal, well meaning relationship with a very attractive girl... a relationship that goes deeper than looks. im not perfect tho...ive had vain moments of my own and i might even eat these very words later, BUT the way that this boy views girls comes so naturally to him that it sickens me. it's disgraceful to girls and himself.

and if youve ever slept with him or done anything north of making out with him, for that matter, youre also at fault for making him believe that he's doing something right.

Current Mood: tired

so my mom sits me down tonight and, getting rather serious in the face, goes into an in-depth conversation with me. thankfully, i sigh when i realize that the lecture was only concerning the state of my room... or so i thought

"when i was up in your room today with your aunt, her daughter and her daughter's husband, i smelled something up there. do you know what that was? they smelled it too"

me- "no, no i havent a clue what youre talking about"

"are you being honest with me? what do you do on those night walks you take?"

me- "just listening to my ipod and sometimes calling ppl"

"are you sure about that? let me tell you something: i take too much pride in you and your brother... im not easily fooled and i KNOW what marijuana smells like. i went to college too you know"

whoa whoa whoa...someone throw on the breaks for FIVE minutes here. marijuana-wha!? im sittin here at the table with my mom and she means to blame WEED on me? i HATEEEE weed so much. i hate it, and i dont care if you dissagree and love to smoke all day. i HATE it. and what i hate more than weed is the way it SMELLS. i couldnt believe she accused me of smoking weed in my own bedroom...the place where i sleep at night. wow... talk about feeling like crap. i can tell you all, like i told my mom, where the 'marijuana' smell came from: it came from her precious niece's new husband. when i rode with them to the photo shoot location today, it was the FIRST thing i noticed abotu the car. the smell. it was there all right, and poorly masked. what a shame.

Current Mood: annoyed

...but i dont even fully understand how i get so mad so fast... things really cant always be as serious as i take them. my brother, mom, and dad notice that i anger easily. i dont let things get out of control though; it's just that i dont even notice. i dont yell or scream, and sometimes i dont object much at all: i just close up to seeth and concentrate on everything that bothers me to no end. it makes me sick sometimes...i hate feeling like that, but it just comes over me.

maybe i act within some reason? when scenarios like this occur, wouldnt most be angry:

i spent this past weekend (friday through sunday afternoon+ the 5hour drive both ways) in FtLauderdale florida for a relative's wedding. this was to be the first wedding i would shoot and i cant describe to you how nervous i was. in a traditional life-span, a wedding only happens once, and is something to always be remembered by you and your spouse. wheres that leave me? well, im the guy that takes the photos of that moment that youll cherrish and remember forever. it'd be a shame if i managed to screw up that beautiful, once in a life-time occurance, huh?

so the wedding procedes and it turns out that shooting them isnt all that bad. after this first, i really feel as if i could do decent from here on out.

my dad is the one that put me up to this first wedding, however, and since it's his side of the family, kinda failed to compose a price range. not only this, but he randomly hands me a whole recording of the wedding for me to edit. do i plan on doing all 15oo+ wedding photos AND the DVD documentary for free/under 200bux? ohhh Helll no. i will not do it. my hard drive is currently maxed with these photos, and i know theres not enough room for all the raw video footage. it will take me just over a month to work through all this media, and the most ill probably get for all the time im going to put in will probably be next to nothing.

this is where garrison's anger kicks into overdrive...couple that with all the stresses of moving back home, really having next to no friends, and grades, and youve got one livid photographer.

the catch22 of the whole deal, however, is that as much as i need the money from this newly-wed couple, they need their photos from me. if i dont give them their photos, theyre the only ones who lose. i took their photos, yes, but i spared no expenses in post shoot labor, therefor i dont even DESERVE pay. i come out even in the end, and they lose the precious images of their wedding.



now i would like to remind anyone reading this that im really a nice person. im traditionally docile, loving, and creative. i would never intentionally set out to hurt someone else's feelings...but this is just how my screwed logic works when im angered and backed into a corner.

Current Mood: aggravated

my first long summer-night, and ive fallen into creating another online profile of sorts, but this time ive come back to an old friend: live journal. havent written in one of these since...freshman year in high school? which was about 4 years ago now haha. i originally left because this site managed to depress me more often than not, and with many otheres in agreement, i packed my bags and left lj. my creative writing has kinda gotten weak since then tho, so ive returned to see what all i can come up with. hello, im garrison, and this is my live journal =)

Current Mood: bored